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I Get Knocked Down: Writing Through Grief Part 3

05 May

I hate to cry. I cry when I’m happy, or sad, or mad. I cry during television commercials. I cry when something stirs my emotions, and my emotions are easily stirred. I thought tears were a sign of weakness.

This created problems because I’m empathic. I feel others’ pain. It took me years to come to terms with this part of my character. As I grew older, I erected safeguards. There were movies I couldn’t watch, books I wouldn’t read. It bothered me when things didn’t turn out “right.” I wanted to change the unhappy endings. Maybe that’s when I started reconstructing stories.

There are some things that cannot be changed. No matter how I might wish it so, there is no rewriting the ending of my son’s life.

Tears became a daily part of my life. I’d shed morning tears in the privacy of my shower. They were quiet, reflective tears, filled with the regret and agony of losing my son.

At the end of my work day, my defenses were gone. On the drive home, the storm which rumbled within would erupt. I shed hot, bitter tears. There were times I’d turn up the radio to drown out the sound of my own sobs.

I’ve learned there is no weakness in tears.

Grief devours from within. It stripped me of all those carefully crafted barriers and left me vulnerable.

Writing was stuffed in the trunk of my car as I battled to get through the day, and celebrated that small victory.

The first tottering step on my journey is this blog. By participating, I am forcing myself to write, at least every other week. I sit down at my computer and produce structured musings. For now, for this month, it will be enough. In the coming weeks I will begin to set writing goals.

The process of getting up is daunting, but… I’ve learned I am strong even when I’m weak. I’m working to get up.

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14 Comments

Posted by on May 5, 2011 in Idaho

 

14 responses to “I Get Knocked Down: Writing Through Grief Part 3

  1. Liz Fredericks

    May 5, 2011 at 6:25 AM

    Thank you, Lynn. You’re doing more than writing a blog post every couple of weeks and will accomplish more than word production when you are ready. You’ve already inspired people with your words. Today, you gave us just a little bit more reason to write.

     
    • Janis McCurry

      May 5, 2011 at 7:10 AM

      Lynn, powerful writing can be about any subject and you prove that every time you post. We’re with you, cheering you on.

       
      • lynn mapp

        May 5, 2011 at 7:41 PM

        Janis, thank you for saying it was powerful writing, and a really big thank you for being there, every step of the way.

         
    • lynn mapp

      May 5, 2011 at 7:40 PM

      Liz,
      Thank you. I am frustrated with myself. I want to produce, but… Imspiring people is a good thing.

       
  2. Meredith Conner

    May 5, 2011 at 7:44 AM

    Your strength shows in your writing Lynn.

     
    • lynn mapp

      May 5, 2011 at 7:43 PM

      Thank you Meredith.

       
  3. Johanna Harness

    May 5, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Absolutely right–there is no weakness in tears.

     
    • lynn mapp

      May 5, 2011 at 7:44 PM

      Johanna,
      It took my son’s death for me to realize this. Tears my not change things, but they aren’t a sign of weakness.

       
  4. Mary Vine

    May 5, 2011 at 1:55 PM

    Not until I lost my mother did I really appreciate memory. The other thing I learned was what “see you on the other side” meant and believed. Thanks for sharing.

     
    • lynn mapp

      May 5, 2011 at 7:47 PM

      Mary,
      I feel the same way. Russell died in February and my beloved brother-in-law died in September. I like to think Russell was there, waiting to welcome him home, just as other family and friends were there to welcome Russell.

       
  5. Natasha

    May 5, 2011 at 4:07 PM

    Lynn, you’re one of the strongest women I know, and I think your ability to empathize is one of your greatest characteristics. Every one of us would agree that you are a champion, both in spirit and as a mother, and I am amazed by the way you’re managing your grief. Yes, you will get up. And somehow, through the tears, you will emerge even stronger! Big, big, heartfelt hugs, girlfriend. We love you!

     
    • lynn mapp

      May 5, 2011 at 7:53 PM

      Natasha,
      Thank you so much for your kind words. In my darkest moments I thought I was the worst mother walking the planet. It was my fault he made that stupid choice. I beat myself up. On a day grief wasn’t clouding my judgement, I wasn’t a bad Mom. Russell made a fatal choice. I am forced to live with the aftermath of his decision. It still hurts, and it will hurt the rest of my life.

       
  6. Carley Ash

    May 5, 2011 at 5:23 PM

    I suspect “feelers” make the best writers, and it definitely makes you a beautiful soul.

     
    • lynn mapp

      May 5, 2011 at 7:54 PM

      Carley,
      Thank you.

       

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